I Shouldn’t Be Struggling Like This
An Anonymous True Story of Addiction Recovery
Written by Megan Wilczek
Alcoholism runs deep in my family…I mean deeeeeep. I’ve always known this. I’ve always been aware that my genetics wouldn’t be kind to me when it came to addiction. I also always thought it wouldn’t happen to me. I have it under control. I won’t let drinking get out of hand. I will just have some drinks here and there like everyone else…and for years, that’s how it went. There was one period of my life when my drinking got too heavy, but I reigned it in and continued drinking in moderation again for the next few years.
Then life got HARD. Years of trauma that I had stuffed deep down inside resurfaced. Parenting children with trauma was hard. Although I loved my job, there were parts of it that were very stressful. The whole world felt like it was falling apart. One thing after another piled on. I started having a drink here and there after work to take the edge off the stress. I was self-medicating deep mental health issues that needed REAL treatment, not alcohol.
But drinking helped me to relax. Instead of serious and worried, I could laugh and have fun, let go a little. It flipped a switch in my brain. Drinking became the norm during bonfires, camping, vacations, and other outings. When an event was alcohol-free, I just took my own cup. A drink at home here and there after work slowly shifted to every night after work, which slowly shifted to thinking about and craving alcohol at work…looking at the clock to see how long before I could go home and have a drink.
By the time I quit, I was drinking 3-4 drinks with hard liquor or 1-2 bottles of wine per night. Looking back, I can’t even say when the shift from normal to unhealthy occurred. It was so slow and subtle. In our culture, it’s easy to justify drinking often. Mommy just needs some wine, right?
“Looking back, I can’t even say where the shift from normal to unhealthy occurred. ”
On top of that, thanks to my genetics and the slow increase, I had a really high tolerance. Although there were a couple of exceptions that I was really ashamed of, I wasn’t usually stumbling drunk. I was still able to function normally. I wasn’t out getting DUIs and sitting at the bar all the time. I was just having drinks at home after my kids went to bed and passing out on the couch. I was always still able to get up for work the next day easily.
Jesus turned water into wine, right? And the Bible doesn’t say we can’t drink. It says not to get drunk. I’m not drunk if I can still walk straight, right? These are some of the ways I justified my behavior. I’m a Christian. I love Jesus. I truly did, even then, and still do today. I was saved, but I wasn’t free.
I was feeling convicted deep down inside but covered it up with excuses, justification, and denial.
The church I was attending was having a lot of conflict. Although I had been going there for a few years, I didn’t know most people beyond a superficial level. I was a brand new Christian when I started there, and I floundered trying to figure out my faith on my own. Being a quiet, timid personality, I didn’t reach out much, although I desired connection. Sometimes I got critical comments about my parenting, my finances, or what I posted on Facebook. But they weren’t willing to get to know or guide me. It started to feel like they only wanted to talk to me to tell me what I was doing wrong. I thought they didn’t truly care about me at all.
When I did get brave enough to ask questions or express my struggles, I was met with dismissal and spiritual bypassing. No tangible help but a lot of comments to give it all to God. The problem was, I had NO idea how to do that or what that actually looked like. The result was that I eventually felt the need to appear perfect in order to fit in. I needed to stop talking about my problems and pretend I had it all together.
I got really good at putting on a happy face even though I was screaming inside. I could fool everyone. It appeared that I was this strong mom, wife, and Christian. But inside, I was spiraling. I hid in shame. I’m a Christian. I work in ministry. I know Jesus. I shouldn’t be struggling like this. Nobody can know about this. My husband didn’t even know how bad it had gotten.
“I got really good at putting on a happy face even though I was screaming inside.”
Eventually, I couldn’t put on the act anymore. It was exhausting. I stopped going to church. Eventually, I stopped reading my Bible and praying. I just kept getting further and further from God. I started counseling, but I wasn’t honest with my counselor about my drinking at first. The doctor started me on medications, but I continued drinking heavily and was not honest with the doctor about it either. I wasn’t getting better. I was battling panic attacks and suicidal thoughts, among other things.
Eventually, I got brave enough to start to acknowledge the drinking as a problem…but just a little bit. I tried talking to my counselor about it. She said since I was still functional, and it hadn’t ruined my life, that my drinking wasn’t a big deal. I wasn’t losing my job, getting kicked out of my house, or getting arrested on the weekends, so no big deal. Continue on drinking. I was frustrated with that answer, but for some reason, I listened to her.
It was at that point that I tried creating rules around my drinking. I’m not going to keep it in the house anymore…once this case of wine runs out. I will only drink at special events or when going out with friends. Those rules would last for a little while…until I had an especially stressful day. Drinking was the only coping technique I knew.
Eventually, I decided that I needed to start going back to church. It needed to be a different church though. I needed to try to find the support I needed. I did find a really good church that helped me a lot. The sermon series when I started going was actually about mental health. That was the very beginning of my recovery. It led me to really examine my life.
One night, the church had a special worship service that I went to. After the service, alone in my car, I sobbed. God convicted me and broke me down. He showed me the mess I had made of my life. He peeled the scales from my eyes, and I realized that my drinking truly was a problem. I was ready to surrender. The next week I started attending Celebrate Recovery.
Although I had finally admitted to myself that I had a problem, I wasn’t ready to tell others. I told others that I was attending Celebrate Recovery to work on my mental health. While I was there, I heard the testimonies of the others in attendance. They were all different from my story, but I recognized a little piece of myself in each of their stories. I still wasn’t ready to slap the label of alcoholic on myself, and I wasn’t convinced that I needed to quit drinking completely.
I had cut back my drinking dramatically, but I was attending Celebrate Recovery and still occasionally having drinks. I even attended training to become a leader during this time. I was convinced that I would just switch to drinking in moderation again like I did for so many years prior.
Somewhere around this time, I hit an all-time low. I quit the job that I loved. Part of it was because my life was a mess, and I felt I needed the extra time to get it together. It was all too much. The other part of it was because I was ashamed and didn’t feel worthy to work in ministry with what I had going on in my personal life.
I still wasn’t honest with my doctor about my drinking, and she switched my medication since my mental health was not improving. Some studies showed that this new medication worked to stop cravings for some addictions. It did help to stop the cravings. However, it also lowered alcohol tolerance, and it could be dangerous to drink while taking it.
I drank just a couple of drinks a few times on this medication. It made me feel horrible. I got dizzy and sick to my stomach. For some reason, I tried again and again after the first time this happened. Eventually, this behavior opened my eyes to the fact that I needed to quit drinking entirely.
Eventually, I did work up the courage to tell one person outside of my recovery group what was going on. She was a Godly Christian woman and had been through something similar in her past. She became a wonderful mentor and accountability person for me. Having a mentor to walk beside me in this was key to my recovery. To this day she provides loving guidance to me. She will always be like family and someone I look up to.
You might assume that things got easier for me after I quit drinking. Things got worse. I was stripped of the only coping technique I knew. My brain chemicals were so out of balance trying to get used to the lack of alcohol in my system. Some days I felt great like I was on a high, but then the next day, with no apparent trigger, I would be so depressed that I wanted to die. Thanks to my Celebrate Recovery friends, I learned that this was Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome, and it could last up to two years after quitting. It helped to have a name for it and to understand what was happening to my brain and body.
“Some days I felt great like I was on a high, but then the next day, with no apparent trigger, I would be so depressed that I wanted to die.”
I also learned a lot about how drinking was only worsening my depression, although it temporarily made me feel better. It also was hindering medication from helping at all.
Eventually, God led me to a different faith-based recovery group called Life Recovery. That is where I found my family. These people will always hold a special place in my heart. They showed me how to live a Christian life. We met multiple times every week. We prayed and read scripture together. I looked forward to these meetings, and they are what got me through each week.
We were like brothers and sisters. There was a lot of love. There was fighting, but there were also humble apologies and forgiveness. Growing up in an unhealthy family system, I had never seen anything like this.
They worked out their differences and still loved each other. They answered all my questions without judgment. They allowed hard feelings to be expressed. We shared difficult life stories and processed them together. We shared the dark thoughts we had and weighed them against God’s word. Although I don’t see them nearly as much anymore, I still love them dearly.
I learned that I wasn’t alone. All the hard stuff that I dealt with…other people struggled with it too. I truly used to think I was crazy. It turns out that I’m normal. What was happening to me was a completely normal response to the trauma I had lived through. Knowing that was key to my healing. I don’t struggle with anything that tons of other people don’t struggle with as well.
I can speak my struggles out loud now instead of holding them deep inside in shame and fear.
God wired our brains and built our bodies with protective mechanisms. But sometimes, we get stuck in that mode after being in it for so long. The trauma needs to be processed so that we can let it go and feel safe in our own bodies again.
I got a new counselor, one that supports my decision to quit drinking. She’s a Christian and helps me deepen my faith while also working through the trauma that triggered my drinking. My whole family is healing and growing closer to God as a result. My kids are getting to see my growth and hard work. My husband and I have grown closer together and worked through some big issues that we didn’t even talk about before.
Although I messed up big time, God used all of it for His good. I am now over 18 months sober. I know God much more deeply now. I walk with Him closer than ever before. I ended up getting my job back. I’m able to help others who struggle like me, through my work, my church, and in my personal life. I even lead my own recovery group now. I slowly got brave enough to open up to more and more people about my struggle. Many people have told me that it has helped them a lot. They know they are not alone in their struggles either.
Although I spent a long time feeling alone in this, I have a huge support system around me now. I have this whole family of people that I would never have grown close to if I hadn’t gone through this. Being a healthier person has helped me to begin some healthy friendships outside of my recovery family as well.
It was a long process, and I still have so much work to do. The difference is that now I know what direction to go and have the tools to do it. God was beside me the entire time, and He still walks with me every day.
A Message to the Church:
I want people to know that Christians struggle too. Loving Jesus doesn’t automatically take away all our worldly problems. It sets us on a path to sanctification that isn’t complete until we get to heaven. What many people don’t realize is that sanctification hurts. It’s hard work. The good news is that God gives us all the tools we need, and He walks beside us the entire way.
“Where do we want people to take their problems—to church or to the bar?”
The church needs to be a safe place to deal with the struggles of life. Where do we want people to take their problems—to church or to the bar? People are going to find relief somewhere. The church should be a safe landing zone for all people, not just “perfect” people.
Let’s be the place where people feel comfortable taking off their masks. Let’s get our hands dirty and walk beside people in their mess. Let’s get our hearts broken by listening to their stories. Let them tell you how they ended up where they are. Reassure them that God wants them anyway. Show them by your actions that God and His people want them anyway.
Meet the Author
Megan grew up in rural Wisconsin, where she was always known as the quiet girl with a book in her hands. Now Megan is working on her lifelong dream of becoming the author of her very own book. Out of her own struggle with trauma and mental health, she created the Jordan Crossings Blog to empower those who are healing from trauma and educate Christians on how to minister to those who are hurting.
