Finding True Freedom
As far back as I can remember, I simply didn't fit in. Living in a dysfunctional family setting and experiencing abuse of all forms, I grew up with Complex PTSD. I experienced varying levels of sexual abuse from family members, some of whom were just acting out the abuses that they experienced themselves. The emotional abuse I went through caused me the most pain. My traumas were exacerbated by what I now know as Autism and ADHD.
I was taught, from a VERY young age, that my emotional and sensory experience in this world was unacceptable. I was an inconvenience to those around me. I had to change to appease them. Additionally, because I was so very different, I was largely unaccepted and bullied by my peers.
I was the odd girl. Most people called me a tomboy. But my feelings were beyond that. Artistically and sexually, I preferred the female form, although I was also attracted to males. While on one hand I was forced to “act ladylike”; I was convinced God had made a mistake and put a boy in a girl's body. I actually hated being a girl.
As I grew older, hatred formed deep within my heart. I was convinced that God was punishing me and that all the abuses I was suffering were because He hated me. As a 12 year old girl, I used to retreat into our bathroom and pull out my hair out of fear of both living and dying. There was no escape for me.
I started cutting and starving myself about the age of 14. At that same time, one of my uncles got me drinking and would regularly get me drunk.
In high school I was in an on again off again relationship with a boy who was a gang member. My regular exposure to the ghetto was much less frightening than my home. The threat of emotional death through mental and emotional abuse was far more strong and powerful than any threat of physical harm or physical death I've ever experienced.
Eventually I developed a rough alter ego. People were afraid of me and afraid to mess with me. I'm actually not quite certain why.
My life reflected my hatred. My pain was so intense that I was regularly self harming. I was obsessed with death and dying but knew that was not an escape. After my gangster boyfriend and I broke up for good, I became promiscuous. When I left home, I started going to raves and house parties regularly. I flunked out of my first semester of college. I was living a lifestyle that was against everything that had been pounded into me.
The Turning Point
One day I sat down to read my Bible. I have no clue what chapter or verse it was. But God spoke to me. He said, "I love you". I scoffed and swore and told Him that was a joke. He couldn't possibly love me. He said, "I love you". I argued again. Well, I hate You. He repeated Himself again. I pointed out that every aspect of my life was completely and totally against Him or anything I was taught He "commanded" of me. He still said, "I love you".
Finally my response was that if He can love me as I was in that exact moment, then I'm His. Nobody had ever shown me love like that. Nobody had ever loved me even while disagreeing with something about me or I was choosing to do. But God did.
God says that He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteous. He also says that He will complete the good work He has started. And He will bring us to the Day of His Son's return.
And He has been doing just that in my life from that moment. God has been transforming me more and more into the likeness of His Son. I no longer smoke or drink. Smoking is no temptation for me. Alcohol I just stay away from. He set me free from promiscuity and has taught me that my feelings are not necessarily who I am. He has taught me that temptation may or may not always be there, and although He may give us things we cannot handle on our own, He WILL always make a way out. That may not look how we want it to or how we think it should look, but it will be there if we keep on seeking Him and His righteousness first. He has also been faithful to work out my feelings about my biological gender and appreciate how He created me.
He has put me in a place in life where I walk alongside others who want to experience more healing, health, and wellness in their lives. We don't need to make others change. Holy Spirit does that job. Holy Spirit convicts us of things that do not line up with His Truth, and then empowers us to walk in that Truth.
I have learned to be able to come alongside people of many walks of life because of the many places I myself have walked. God has given me a unique ability to understand and love others, as He first loved me. It's been a long road through pain and legalism to come out on the side of grace and truth and I'm thankful for His leading all the way.
Kayleen Soden is a Wellness Coach, born and raised in Wisconsin. Her mission is to help people discover their authentic selves and to find healing and hope. Kayleen and her husband both have been blessed to work from home. They enjoy their poultry farm, multiple cats, and German Shepherd dog. Parents of two teenage boys, they are almost empty nesters. Prior to starting her coaching practice, Kayleen worked alongside and ministered to youth and women who’ve experienced various levels of trauma for many years. She has studied Health Coaching, Life Coaching, Herbalism, and Trauma Informed Care. She has learned from Institute of Integrative Nutrition, David Key Transformative Coaching, Green Wisdom School of Natural and Botanical Medicine, The School of Evolutionary Herbalism, Empathic Coaches Academy, and Trust Based Relational Intervention trauma models. Kayleen writes a weekly newsletter blog. You can also find Kayleen at: Her website, Facebook, and Instagram.
